Unwashed, sweaty, a faint smell of a baby's spit up, pants and shirts decorate my filthy rugs, forgotten iced coffees are left sitting in their dew. The illusion of balance is a lie, the idea of being complete and content in all corners of life is a lie. But we strive for this illusive life that has been portrayed by some, if not many. Our guilt of what has gone undone and what has been neglected grows, and our insecurity of who we are and why we are here grows as well.
Oak stirs in his sleep and cries the "mama come get me cry" and I in the middle of an intensive email tackling session, have to decide to hold off on work or to grab my baby and push through the work before something else mama related pops up. This, in that moment seems like the biggest decision of the day, and the most important. Splitting myself between work and being a mama, or attempting to juggle both positions at once, has become a daily decision. Yet with it, I am reminded that THIS is my only decision in my life as of right now. My problems, if you'd even dare to call them problems are puny ants in a room full of relentless cockroaches. They're invisible in a world full of so much hurt, pain, and struggling. And this, when I feel as though I want to complain or do the "why me?" song and dance, slams those thoughts down as they should.
This week, my brother morns his childhood friend (who we all loved like family), who leaves babies... babies behind, and my entire family morns my grandmother-the epitome of beauty and faith, who passed away way too soon a few years back, surprising all of us. During weeks like these, in addition to feeling sort of dragged down by the state of the world, I am left wondering how we can do more? Why are our men, young men, leaving babies fatherless? It shouldn't be this way.
The revolving door of freelance jobs for Peter, questions about a stable future, schools and childcare have nothing on what life could be for us, and what others face on a daily basis. We have our health, we have each other, we have the gift of opportunity, the potential for growth, and most importantly we are alive, we are here! For today and forever when I feel just a little bit overwhelmed, I will remember that, I hope you will too.