One super late night right after we had Oak, I believe he was about three days old then, Peter and I started bickering. I was completely and utterly exhausted then, I just had a 24 hour labor and since I was riding the labor high, I still didn't sleep much in the day. My body was officially in overdrive and my emotions were laid out all over the place. Peter was a mess too. He had been running back and forth between our house and the hospital the first two days, trying to show River some attention while she was at our place with his mom, and trying to show me some too after I just had Oak. I can't forget to mention he was my rock throughout the entire labor, and he hadn't slept a wink as well. I needed him, and we labored together. Needless to say we were a hot mess and we had this new tiny human in our home, looking at us (mainly me) for food and comfort. Oak had spent that night crying on and off, and I continued to nurse him throughout each whimper to help comfort him and to help my milk come on in. Little did I know then, he was dehydrated as my milk wasn't coming in fast enough for his needs. (Thankfully after seeing the doctor two days after, my milk had come in super strong) I remember holding him as he was crying and thinking; "Was this a mistake" It was all irrational, hormonal, and helpless thoughts that I can thankfully laugh at now. For a bit there, I felt completely helpless and sad that even for a split second, I had second guessed such a beautiful and profound gift.
Honestly, thinking back on that time a little less than three months ago, I not only want to laugh a little at my ridiculous hormone induced thoughts, but I want to cry. Not out of sadness, but out of joy. Three months, it's amazing. I've hit my peek as a mother of two I believe. The hormones have settled, I feel more into my body, River is so in love with him, and Oak is an angel baby. I am so incredibly overwhelmed with how good we've got it in the Staubs' household.
Life with two comes with its fair share of obstacles, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. The days where I am completely and utterly exhausted are long gone, and I'm so thankful for that. It seems as if everyone has found their place in our family, and they're happy with it. I often reference a puzzle when I'm trying to explain how everything works now. Oak was our last missing piece, and now we all just stick and move together so well. Our days are completely crazy and full, and speed by within a blink, just like I knew they would. I remember one of my first outings with the two of them, and my friend had told me I looked great and totally capable. It was the biggest compliment I could receive then. I remember giving myself silent affirmations prior during the first few weeks whenever things got tough, or my mama of two nerves got the best of me. "You've got this" "This too shall pass" had played over and over in my head, giving me just enough to power through the tough moments and the nerve induced first outings. I knew that I loved these two irresistible kids of mine, but I needed to feel as though I was good at what I was embarking on. I needed to feel capable. I needed someone to notice and give me that sweet nudge. Today, I feel more than capable, it all feels rather easy to speak truthfully. I no longer feel as though I am the rope in a relentless game of tug a war. I feel their deep unwavering love for me, and goodness it's making me cry as I type this. I feel it, and with that I can never ever doubt my position in this world. Yes, this is it. This is why I am here, to feel this deep boundless connection with them. My heart wants to burst in the most cliche of ways. They are it. Thank you River and Oak for choosing me to be your mama.
Photos during one of our first few weeks home|
Photography Peter Staubs