Years later, I stand by my decision, but I also stand by the notion of choice. We were in love (we still are quite the passionate couple), we had a supportive family, and with that I knew I could become -at least- a mediocre parent to the baby growing inside of me.
This morning, as my own mother slept in the next room, and as River woke up before the sun singing songs of spring and chatting about her favorite yogurt, it all hit me once again. That crazy love you get upon finding out your carrying a baby, upon pushing your child out into this world, the kind that sticks around even as they wake you up bright and early, and eventually when they become a mother themselves and have you run from state to state to pick up all the preparation pieces to welcome yet another baby, it never goes away. That love, it's innate, hella scary, and also crazy good. There's nothing else like it, and to even feel it for tiny sliver of time... it changes you, whether you welcome it or not. It changes you forever.
As I become a mother times two, I realize that every single day of motherhood I am changed. I look on that phone call between Peter and I, how I felt brave and scared crapless all at once. How I had to put trust in myself that I could and would be more that just a mediocre parent, but a vessel of constant love, even through the sleepless nights and early mornings, and even the moments when my own mother has to step in and pick up the pieces and remind me that I'm doing amazing. I am changed.
Today and everyday, I am grateful for this journey called motherhood.
Happy Mother's Day you beautiful mamas.
Love this post! I became a mother in very similar circumstances to you, and I now could not imagine life without that unexpected little gift that I very nearly sent back.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate, we both made amazing decisions.
Delete"I stand by my decision, but I also stand by the notion of choice." Yes!! I'm reminded of that critical scene in Juno when when decided to keep her baby. Great post! xoxo, Annie from Brimful
ReplyDeleteBeautiful story , I enjoyed reading it. Glad that you followed your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you Thelma, so am I
DeleteHappy Mother's Day! <3 How inspiring of you to share your story - looking back, I'm sure you couldn't imagine now not having that beautiful baby!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I can't even think of the "what if"
Deletexo
Beautiful and touching and the picture is just so fitting. This resonates with me in so many ways. The love I feel for my babies is one that I have never felt before. I'm filled with so much love that at times it scares me...From one mama to another Happy Mother's day :)
ReplyDeleteDee
Ms Dee Kay
Happy Mother's Day to yo as well love
DeleteThis is so great. So much wisdom in "I am changed." Yes, that's how it feels. Love to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteAshlee @
SomethingUs
Thank you Ashlee
DeleteI had goosebumps reading this beautiful story! I love the sense of hope that sits alongside that feeling when things seemingly do not fit and yet you know that you're destined to make those not so easy choices. It's like knowing there's treasure buried deep and having no idea where.
ReplyDeleteI loved hearing the story of how you chose to become a mama. You and Peter made a wise and powerful decision and what amazing treasure you unearthed! x
Thank you Katy! Its crazy, even if there is just a tiny bit of hope, everything works out just fine. ;)
DeleteThank you for sharing your story and insight with us! Motherhood is so amazing, but it's such an important and personal choice - you def. have to be "ready" to accept the challenge. So much love!
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazingly compassionate, thoughtful & prolific take on the concept of choice. Your speak with wisdom, Mama, happy Mother's Day to you as well!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteThis is such an eloquent post on your decision to become a mother. I find it very brave for you to share something so personal, and I'm very happy I got to read it. Thank you for sharing. And happy belated mother's day!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I know this is a more personal post, but I hope in writing it, it encourages others who might be struggling with something similar.
Deletexo
I've never commented on a blog entry, but your account of motherhood is so warmly touching... it made me cry. I'm a new mom myself, and am overwhelmed with how deep joy, fear, emotion and postpartum-fueled-anger for wanting to be better fuels such big love... Your honesty is refreshing, because jeez this mothering thing is hard and incredible all at the same time.
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