Years later, I stand by my decision, but I also stand by the notion of choice. We were in love (we still are quite the passionate couple), we had a supportive family, and with that I knew I could become -at least- a mediocre parent to the baby growing inside of me.
This morning, as my own mother slept in the next room, and as River woke up before the sun singing songs of spring and chatting about her favorite yogurt, it all hit me once again. That crazy love you get upon finding out your carrying a baby, upon pushing your child out into this world, the kind that sticks around even as they wake you up bright and early, and eventually when they become a mother themselves and have you run from state to state to pick up all the preparation pieces to welcome yet another baby, it never goes away. That love, it's innate, hella scary, and also crazy good. There's nothing else like it, and to even feel it for tiny sliver of time... it changes you, whether you welcome it or not. It changes you forever.
As I become a mother times two, I realize that every single day of motherhood I am changed. I look on that phone call between Peter and I, how I felt brave and scared crapless all at once. How I had to put trust in myself that I could and would be more that just a mediocre parent, but a vessel of constant love, even through the sleepless nights and early mornings, and even the moments when my own mother has to step in and pick up the pieces and remind me that I'm doing amazing. I am changed.
Today and everyday, I am grateful for this journey called motherhood.
Happy Mother's Day you beautiful mamas.