I am so thankful for all of your emails, comments, and Instagram comments on this pregnancy. We are so excited, but we are equally nervous. The trauma of a loss, a late term loss at that, is one so deep, and so profound. You're excited, but nervous to be excited, and sad about being nervous. You want to hold on, and hope, and pray that everything goes well. Every single week, as I walk into the doctor's office, I feel as though I stop breathing. Then, when the baby's heartbeat is found, and the technician says "Well, there it is!!" that's when I can finally breath again, until next week.
Despite all of that, there's a certain level of understanding that has washed over me since April. I know how fragile life is, and I know that through all of my excitement, nervousness, and fear, I will have the strength to make it through, and hopefully welcome a rainbow baby this June.
My dear friend Casey, who I met early last spring during the Bugaboo party is here to share her beautiful thoughts on life after loss.
Thank you Casey!
4 little "A's" still hang from Chris' necklace. A daily reminder that we have 4 precious babies.
The one who didn't walk here along side of me, but that one that forever changed my life.
A brief life yet so much meaning.
I often get asked about how my pregnancy with Apple was after our loss. It was terrifying, it was different. The first two I had a clueless confidence, I didn't realize the fragility of what I had...how it could be gone in an instant with no warning signs. I was glowing and beaming and never for a second thought about anything going wrong before our loss. But with Apple, I carried that. Every sonogram my knees shook in the waiting room, my prayers poured out at night to protect her and keep her with us. I fought fear until the moment that she was in my arms.
Not only was Apple our rainbow baby but also a sweet symbol of Hope for me.
A new humility and sensitivity has entered my spirit when it comes to this subject. As someone before who hadn't known the struggles of infertility or loss- I didn't notice what I notice now.
"If you haven't already gathered, or happen to be reading this blog for the first time in your life, I am a melancholy girl through and through. I find beauty in not only the beautiful things in life, but the bittersweet and sad as well. To me, there is something poignantly lovely about the human experience from its splendor to its grief. God created all our emotions, not just the happy ones, and for His good purposes. That's why a good cry can feel so good. And hitting our limits forces us to look outside ourselves for a Savior. It is in the plea, when we're at our end, that we can find that which is truly life-giving. Personally, my moments of deepest grief, deepest pain, have resulted in the most beautiful seasons in my heart. I've met God more intimately in those moments than in all the other pleasant ones combined. What isn't completely lovely about that?" - Leslie from Top of the Page
The thing about heartache is...it changes your perspective on life.
It makes you softer (if you let it), it makes you more understanding (if you let it), it makes you love bigger and makes you more available to relate to others who share in hurt.
I will forever be changed by that life.