posted on: March 20, 2013
Most of my mommy hood days with a newborn and baby all felt like one in the same. Feed, poop, change, sleep repeat. This went on and on. And despite the obnoxious repetitiveness this process seems like some years later, it was definitely more of a full-time job than raising River now. In those months of spit up, coos, aahs and waiting for another "life altering milestone", everything felt like an accomplishment.
Throughout those days and months I never expected River Mae to express her thankfulness. I felt this undeniable instinct that everything I fulfilled within a day was good for us... more importantly good for her. With her progression month by month and eventually within years, that instinctual everyday succes wore off. The repetitive ins and outs of a a days events declined. Caring for her became easier, and less task fulfilling. I was happy with this change.
But, alas, as quickly as it seemed her neediness wore off, so did my acceptance of it. In particular, around the twelve to the higher teen months. River was walking full force, rambling loads of babble more times than not, and seemingly was a care free independent toddler. I yearned for that accomplished/needed feeling deep inside of me.
Then last week happened. River added this piece to my heart. Through these years with her, I never could pinpoint what it was I yearned from her. I always felt whole as her mother, but as time went on as she needed less, I needed more in our relationship. I needed hard core proof once again that everything I was doing was right. And if I didn't get the hard core proof, oh how I would settle for that instinct once again. It turns out all it took were four little words to shake my world. I love you mommy. In her voice it is simply "I aww you mommy!" The best sound in the universe, the best four words a mother could hear. Just like that, there it was.
I tend to feel selfish expressing that I needed something from her, and quite silly expressing that I did not know what that something was... until now. But with those words, no matter if she never speaks of them again, I know in my heart and soul that was it. That was it!
And everything in our little world is perfect.